Monday, September 26, 2005

i am roller girl

Gah. I have a crush. I haven't been hit this hard in a long time. Here's to hoping this one doesn't turn out to be another asshole. I love being around him and wearing his hat and just looking at his face. And I feel like I'm 13 years old. What an idiot, we haven't even kissed. And its only Monday and I won't see him again until Saturday night. blah, weekend come quickly please.
This weekend was insane, I still feel like crap. Friday night I hung out at a house party just doing lines and smoking up like I was still in highschool. Saturday night went out to eat at my favorite West 4th street resteraunt, got drunk, went to a club, drank some more. Huge fight broke out. It's funny seeing wall street types fight. Idiots. The cobs were called, megaphone, screaming. etc etc... walked down 5th avenue at 3am drunk and running. Went to a raver type party. It was at the most amazing loft place ever. This place was like 3 floors and with a huge roof terrace. I smoked too much weed, drank some more. Danced. Watched b-boys. I can't rave, but I'll try when I'm that wasted. Took some X. I never learn my lesson. I always have a bad reaction to that crap. We left at 8am. Amanda had the spins and the chills and was crying. Took her home. Then I was walking to the subway on the upper east side looking all strung out. I smoked in the subway station. I needed it. Felt and looked like shit all day yesterday, even though I slept until 8 when my parents came and took me out to eat. Went to some NYU party at midnight. It was lame, but there was free weed so who cares. Class seemed especially long today.
I feel so emo for some reason. I've been listening to sad death cab songs and watching the rain like a loser. I have a fever too. All I want to do now is watch Boogie Nights for the 100th time and pass out in my bed.
this entry was random and stupid. but thats me i guess.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Smoking my nasty cigarette on my balcony, I saw the cutest most stylish couple walking down from third avenue. The guy was holding the girl and rubbing her arm in that oh-so-cute way. And it's little things like that at 3am when I'm still tipsy that kind of make me wish I had a boyfriend. And even though the girl was drunk and walking crooked, it was still cute when they stopped on the street to kiss for a few minutes. Her head was rolling back a bit, but it was still cute. And while hanging out drinking and eating pizza till 2am with your friends on a Monday night can be a ton of fun, having a boyfriend might be fun too. We'd walk down past Gramercy Park at 3am, it would be so old New York romantic. And it wouldn't matter that I had class at 9am and I still have to write two essays, we'd roll around in the sheets until dawn. Nothing would matter because we would be in love.

okay, enough of this sappy crap. I've got 2 papers to write and class in 4 hours.

Friday, September 16, 2005


Quitting smoking is a bitch. How do people do it? The patch leaves yellow stains on my arm and chewing all that gum seriously makes my whole face ache. I successfully stopped smoking for one day this week, but I'm back on. It is just un-thinkable for me to have a cocktail and not have a smoke right after.
Going off coke is even worse. Jesus, two days and I wanted to rip all my hair out. I guess the worst of the worst though has to be speed. Awful, just awful.
I'm on the phone with Bri right now. She's telling me about the guys at the club last night. She met the owners and they let her smoke weed in the office at the club. But they were assholes and afterwards tried to proposition here. They offered her $500 to dance for them. Jesus, I miss everything when I get wasted.
Tonight I'm taking it easy and going to CMJ with Seth. The line-up for CMJ is really bad this year, but it's always fun to go to a diner with your friends afterwards and talk about how much the band sucked.


It's almost 6am and I am still tipsy. I have the make-up smudged across my eye and hiccupps to prove it. Last night, or a few hours ago really, I went to the oppening of a new club here in the city. We were on the guestlist but it didn't even matter. We just walked past the velvet rope, got a stamp and started drinking like we were 21. The key to nightlife in this town is really just who you know and how you work it. Age is just a number, really. Nobody cares if your still in highschool and have an exam 4 hours later at 9am sharp.
Anyways, I was disappointed in myself I literally had four drinks and I was wasted. I vmited in the middle of this club opening, about 4 times. In the middle of the dance floor, on a plant, on my friends shoes, on the middle of the dancefloor again. etc. I feel like such an embaressment. 3 drinks, only 3 drinks. Cannot mix my alcohols, never miss your alcohols. I even vomited in my sleep. And I fell asleep with all my clothes on, Stuart Weitzman sandals and all. And when I just woke up to mee, I noticed two vomit staint in my doorway. Sick. I'll get those later.
I have no idea why I'm writing this. I'm still tipsy and sould really be in bed or something. I just felt like there was something I should say. Maybe I forgot? Maybe I'm just a drunken idiot.
okay, goodnight
or, goodmorning for most

Wednesday, September 14, 2005


A friend was just telling me about a threesome she had a few nights ago. It happened when she was really wasted, as all threesomes seem to happen. It was her, one of our other good friends, and some random drunk guy they met at a party. They condensed and much less exciting version goes as follows: they went back to his apartment, drank straight vodka and started to hook up. When my two friends decided to go home, he followed. They eventually let him in, and my friend in question started hooking up with him. The two of them had sex, but my other friend was also in the bed, and she gave the guy head and was hooking up with him too. Lucky guy. She said afterwards she felt like a whore and didn't even want to think about it.
Anyways, the conversation got me thinking about threesomes an my experiences. Do people actually have threesomes when their sober? I don't think this is possible. My most recent "threesome" happened a few weeks ago. My best friend was in love with this guy Paul. Totally obsessed, couldn't stop talking about him all day and all night, and we only knew him for a couple of weeks. So we go out one night with him and his friends. I got pretty drunk and everyone else was kind of buzzed. So we're just hanging out, walking around, and then we go back to his apartment to play cards. Then I start hooking up with him. My friend gets pissed and says shes going to sleep. I'm drunk and horny and don't care at this point that shes really upset. So we're about to have sex/basically having sex on his couch when all of a sudden she walks into the room and yells "what the FUCK is this". I was drunk and couldn't do anything but laugh hysterically. Total cock-block but it was still funny at the time. I basically give up my hopes of having sex at that point because I figure she'll walk in at some point and start screaming again. So we all go to sleep. In the middle of the night, he wakes me up and we start hooking up again. Annoying friend wakes up and cock-block #2 occurs. Bastard. So I go back to sleep. I wake up, which was probably a few hours later and my friend is giving this guy head! But at the same time, hes feeling me up and shit. What the fuck. It's 7am at this point and I'm starting to sober up. I'm just too hung over for this shit. So I leave and fall asleep in the next room. 9 am solls around and my alarm for school goes off. They wake up and I can barely even look at them. All I want to do is find my purse and get the fuck out of there. Of course, this is new york city and I am having problems opening the 10 locks on his door. So he drives me to school on his motorcycle and I feel awful. After class, me and my friend both go home and go to sleep and try to block the night out of out heads. I don't think women ever really enjoy threesomes and in a threesome someone always winds up getting hurt or having sour feelings at the end of it.
The guy always seems to enjoy it though. My friend jizzy drives a cab here in the city. He told me a few weeks ago he told me he picked up 3 dancers at scores. They were flirting with him and the 4 of them winded up having sex one Tuesday night. He loved it, said it was the best fare ever. I guess I'm just wondering, do any straight women ever have positive threesome experiences? I've heard many threesome stories and never one where the girls really seem to enjoy themselves.

Sunday, September 11, 2005


There was a memorial on television this morning for the victims of 9/11. They were basically just reading off all the names of people who died, and at the bottom of the screen it said where they were from. I left my apartment at 10 this morning, they were on the last name Calhoun and when I returned 2 and a half hours later they only up to names starting with the letter G. People say time heals all wounds, but I don't think that's necessarily true. I remember the day so clearly: everyone standing on the roof of gym, watching the second plane hit, the huge cloud of smoke, watching the first tower go down. It was too much to bear. Noone really knew what was going on. Were we at war, were more places in New York going to be hit? It was my second day in a new school and although noone really knew eachother I remember everyone sitting in a circle and praying. There was nothing else anyone could do that day except pray and sit glued in front of the tv for days on end.
And it's been four years and the world trade center is still basically just a hole. I remember getting off the subway at the WTC stop for the first time, maybe 6 months after it happened. There's a huge window and you can see everything. It was horrifying. People rushed past on their way to work. They seemed oblivious. Street vendors were actually selling rubble and random pieces of metal from the building as some sort of memorobilia. And tourists bought it with a smile. You can get 3 years in prison for selling a dime bag of weed, but selling ashes from a dead body is perfectly legal. This world is a sick, sick place.

Saturday, September 10, 2005


Last week as I was doing my walk of shame home I saw an old woman get hit by a truck in front of the Urban Outfitters by my house. It wasn't the first time I saw someone hit by a car, but it was still frightening nonetheless. Then last night I was walking home at 4am and I heard people screaming and yelling, a rare occurance on park avenue. As I got closer, I realized someone had been hit by a cab. The driver sped off, there were people crying and cab drivers were screaming and cursing because the street was blocked up. I understand the fact that a cab driver has to make money and being a cab driver in new york is a shitty job, but come on, how can people have such disregard? The man had just been hit by a car, Jesus. Then fifteen minutes ago I was walking home and there were a bunch of people crowding my block and an ambulance outside my building. Apparently a man in the townhouse next door had a heart-attack. I wonder if this is some sort of sign? Or maybe just an example of the fact that bad things happen in threes?
I met my mom for dinner today and the first think she said when she saw me was "you look horrible". I was suprised, my hair looked good and I had slept for 12 hours last night. But when I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror, I realized she was right. Although my body was tan, my face looked completely washed out. Maybe it's the fact that I have mono and have been sick, or maybe its my lifestyle. People constantly tell me that I party too much, and even my dealer said I need to "chill back." Maybe I'm in denial and can't see what everyone else seems to see. Sometimes I think I should move on- clean up and straighten up. But really, is there any fun in that? I've been living this way since I was 14, and while that's no excuse, it's all I've ever really known. It's hard to see something as being wrong and unhealthy when everyone around you seems to be doing it so nonchalantly. Maybe it's just a really long phase or part of growing up.
Oh well. Who knows. It's Saturday night and it's almost 12 and in about an hour or so the only thing that will be important to me is getting more drinks and having fun.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Labor Day

So this weekend really isn't going as planned. Yestersay's party turned out to be full of drama. It was a nightmare filled with cheating men and the women who hate them. I'm taking a car into the city in an hour for lunch at Pastis. Then a few hours shopping, and then back here. That doesn't even make sense. Tomorrow morning I'll wake up early, sit on the beach, and try to forget all the shit that's wrong in my life right now. Just one day, please. I left my blackberry and an jumbo bag of trees in the back of someones car last night. I feel so lost, and my lack of mobile phone is just the tip of the iceberg.

Friday, September 02, 2005


I am back in New York. I miss Italy. People in this city take themselves too seriously most of the time and don't know how to have fun. Maybe I was just born on the wrong side of the world. I've been home 2 weeks. My first week back was orientation, but I skipped the entire thing to snort lines off Matt's coffee table and hang out with my friends. Two nights ago I blazed in central park for like 2 hours, first time. Can you believe it? I was pretty messed up and paranoid though, and I kept having these weird visions of those horse-drawn carraiges running over my legs. And last night I went to some club/lounge on the upper east side. Knew the dj, so got in really quickly and there were alot of free drinks, which was cool. I'm kind of getting sick of New York though. Living in Europe for the summer just made me realize what assholes most New Yorkers are. Everyone's so concerned with status: who's wearing the newest bag, whos fucking who, who has the newest blackberry, who can get into which club. Give me a fucking break. At least I'll be on the beach this weekend.